What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:38
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What do you typically do while on meth?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It was going to be , some day.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it wasn’t much.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She found it foreign!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She married twice! .
What is the craziest thing that you've ever witnessed?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My family never makes their pension either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So, i spoilt her more .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Comes on , in middle age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My life is so biszare .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i lived it daily.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So whats the point in blame.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were not on the streets..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I will be 64.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.